just tell him i said nine months
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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