I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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