If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
