My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
