i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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