Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is my gift to your gina
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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