i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
