dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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