My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize