I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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