I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
