cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
