We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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