Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
