Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
