I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
