ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
