My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
