dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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