What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
