I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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