I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
