The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
