My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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