party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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