On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
