Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Drunk is not a location!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
