Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
