the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Two words: nipple clamps
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