haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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