I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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