dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
