I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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