She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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