My first STD was from a foam party
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
