you traded sex for a burrito?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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