I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
