Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
