i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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