i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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