In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
