Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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