Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
