This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
