I am spending my child support on dildos
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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