from now on my penis is your penis
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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