Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
