Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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