why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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