She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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