remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
