you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
