I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
vagina is talking i cant
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
