I wish they made helmets for livers.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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