last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
