the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
