Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
